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“I’m not tired”, Jessica insists, practically yawning.

  “Of course you’re not tired”, I say. “You never get tired do you?” Jessica shakes her head. “If you’re lucky, Jaxon might read you a bedtime story.” My eyes go to his to check his reaction. “One from a book”, I feel the need to confirm.

  “Is Daddy staying over?” Jessica asks, and the use of the word throws me a little bit. Jaxon and I both hesitate for a while before Dad cuts in to save us.

  “Would you like that?” he asks, and Jessica nods enthusiastically.

  I serve the cheesecake, while Jessica watches me carefully, her eyes as big as coat buttons. “Made with my own fair hands”, I say.

  “You mean you didn’t steal it from the supermarket”, Jaxon jokes.

  “Those days are behind me”, I say. “I can’t exactly uncover high level corruption and graffiti walls at the same time, can I?”

  “You can leave the graffitiing walls to our daughter”, Jaxon says, sweeping his hand through her hair.

  “That’s something she’s already picked up from her mother”, Dad says. “On the bedroom wall, the floor, I’ve had to go round with a sponge and white spirit.”

  “It’s a Mexican thing”, I vaguely explain. What I don’t say is that she’s picked it up from watching me. The apartment walls in our studio in Mexico were covered in pen scratches and attempts at drawing.

  “It’s a damn nuisance”, Dad says.

  “I’ll get her some wash off crayons as soon as I can.”

  Jaxon has finished his dessert and is looking very pleased with himself. “More?” I ask.

  “I can’t”, Jaxon says. “That was incredible.”

  “What flavor was it?” I ask, testing him.

  “Oreo and blueberry”, he says without hesitation. “You’ve made that for me before.”

  He’s right and I’m please he’s remembered. While Dad clears the rest of the plates away, we let the memory wash over us. A chaotic Saturday preparing all day for his return. A two am wake up call, the dinner already gone cold, the cheesecake I spent an hour perfecting the only thing he wanted to eat.

  “That was a good evening”, he says, with a smile.

  We made love through the night and I held him tightly hoping he’d never have to leave me again. I nod in agreement, sinking into the memory, the wine and the warm belly the food has given me enough to make me finally feel at ease.

  “The best”, I say, my eyes all over Jaxon communicating to him exactly what I need right now to make this evening perfect.

  “Right”, Dad says. “Bedtime for this little monster, and then this other little monster can tell us all about where she’s been for the last four years.”

  “No”, Jessica says defiantly as Dad tries to grab her, his hands outstretched and forced into claws, the same way he moves towards her to tickle her. Dad makes a game of it and Jessica seeks refuge with Jaxon. He opens his arms up and let’s her in. “You tell me where she sleeps and I’ll take her up”, he says.

  I sit up straight, called to action, while Jessica clings onto Jaxon as tightly as she can. “It’s okay”, I say. “She’s got a routine. Bath, teeth, pyjamas, story, milk, sleep. I’ll take her.”

  Jessica tries to fight it, but she’s already half asleep. “Maybe we’ll do the bath tomorrow night”, I say, taking her into my arms. “If you want to do the story?” I ask Jaxon.

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll come and get you”, I say. “Or better still, come upstairs in fifteen minutes. You’ll know which room I’m in.”

  “Perfect.”

  “Okay, say goodnight, Jessica. Kisses for everyone.” I take her to Dad who kisses her theatrically on the top of the head and then back to Jaxon who does the same. Jessica can barely keep her eyes open. “We might have to leave that story”, I say, before Jessica snaps her eyes open and says, “no, Daddy”, reaching out for him again. For a person that she’s barely just met, he seems to have already won her over.

  “Alright”, I say, “story with Daddy. You two make yourselves comfortable, I’ll be back down in a sec.”

  It’s already way past Jessica’s bedtime, and by the time I get her to her room, she’s sleeping soundly. “Story with Daddy will have to wait until another time”, I whisper to her after she’s tucked in. I stay with her for a while, just to watch her sleep, and then when I’m about to head back downstairs, Jaxon appears in the doorway.

  “Asleep already?” he asks, his voice low not to raise her.

  I nod. “Come here”, I say, my hand outstretched. Jaxon comes into the room, expertly avoiding the mess of toys and clothes on the floor I haven’t yet had a chance to clear up, and crouches alongside me.

  “She’s gorgeous”, he says, and the pair of us watch our daughter for a while, an abstract portrait of happiness in a family life that doesn’t exist yet. I put my arm around Jaxon's shoulder and rest my neck into his. “I love these moments”, I say.

  “When she’s asleep and not causing trouble?”

  “When she’s peaceful”, I correct him. “She’s been through a lot, it’s a miracle that she doesn’t wake up each night screaming.”

  “You’ve done well”, Jaxon says. “Your dad’s right, you should be really proud of yourself.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s not how I feel. Maybe she shouldn’t have been there in the first place, neither of us. If it hadn’t have been for me.”

  “You can’t blame yourself”, Jaxon says. “That doesn’t get you anywhere.”

  My eyes go to his and I can tell there’s something behind those eyes he’s not sharing with me. “You of all people know that’s not so easy”, I say.

  His eyes drop and then go back to Jessica. “I know how important it is to move on”, Jaxon says, “even if I haven’t managed it just yet.”

  I take his hand and squeeze it. “How are two broken people going to bring up one little girl?” I ask.

  “By fixing each other”, Jaxon says without hesitation. His eyes come to mine again and I can’t help but steal a kiss. “And grandparents”, he adds, “that’s the real secret.”

  “I wish Mom was here to see her.”

  “I know”, Jaxon says. “Which is why it’s even more important that your dad is.”

  “I’ve been a bad person”, I admit. “A selfish person.”

  “Yep”, Jaxon agrees. “But everyone’s a dick from time to time. The most important thing is learning from your own mistakes so they don’t happen again.”

  “Are you talking about us?” I ask.

  “I’m talking about in general.”

  “Thank you for believing in me”, I say.

  “Are you kidding?” Jaxon says. “How else am I going to get you to believe in yourself?”

  We hold each other a little longer while Jessica dreams peacefully. When it feels like the right time to go, I lift my head off Jaxon’s shoulder. “Come on”, I say. “Before Dad gets on the whiskey.”

  “Alright”, Jaxon says, getting up with me. “Although if he does, there’s less chance he’ll hear us grinding away.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “I said slowly”, I say as we exit the room, lights out, door closed but not completely, just how she likes it.

  “I know what you mean by that”, Jaxon says, “so don’t worry. I’ll go just as slowly as you want.”

  He backs away, all smiles and eyes all over me, before he takes to the stairs and leaves me for a moment in the hallway upstairs shaking my head in disbelief.

  “Ten”, I hear him call, and I can’t help by rush down excitedly after him.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jaxon

  Packing an emergency kit bag used to mean a whole different thing to me. Maps, weapons, goggles, first aid kit, flares. Right now it’s juice bottle, wipes, snacks and cuddly toys.

  “Did you pack the crackers?” Ruby asks me.

  “I packed everything”, I say, which I did, with military like precision. “This bag has never been as well packed
before.”

  Ruby gives me a roll of her eyes before she takes it off me to check. After a while she hands it back, “you forgot the crayons, but you’re getting better. Four out of ten.”

  “The crayons weren’t on this list”, I complain. “Were they on the list?” I ask Jessica, who is already sat patiently in her car seat. She shakes her head, but it doesn’t matter.

  “You need to use your initiative General Connor”, Ruby says, a kiss on my cheek to soften the criticism. “I thought that was where you excelled.”

  “You’re a tough person to please”, I say. Jessica and Ruby look at me in the same way.

  “Get in the car”, Ruby says finally.

  I get in the car, wait for Ruby to climb aboard, check everyone is safely belted in and then reverse out of the drive.

  “You know I’m only kidding, right?” Ruby says, her hand on my knee.

  “Did you see I put the books in?”

  “I saw you put the books in”, Ruby says, keen not to give me too much praise. “You did good.”

  I laugh, more than aware she’s teasing me. “You know I packed that in less than thirty seconds. An empty bag, stripped down. I’m going to try it blindfolded next time.”

  “You need to get back to daytime TV, I think you’re taking this parenting role way too seriously.”

  “I bought extra wet wipes for the car”, I say, reaching over and clicking open the glove box. “They were on sale. I got more for the house too.”

  “Now I am impressed”, Ruby confesses.

  “I told you I was serious”, I say.

  “Serious about wet wipes?”

  “About helping out where I can.”

  “I appreciate it”, Ruby says, leaning over to rest her head against my shoulder. “Everything you’re doing for me and Jessica”, she adds.

  It’s been a couple of weeks since Ruby invited me over for dinner, a few days since we saw each other last, and things are going better between us all than I ever imagined possible. Jessica seems to have settled into life in suburban Boston like a gold fish might relish the open sea, and Ruby seems way calmer and much more focussed than when she first arrived. My life is just as simple as it ever was, with the complication of a four year old to keep me busy. I’ve been here when Ruby needs me and careful not to impose or overstep the mark too much too soon.

  Jessica starts school at the beginning of next month, and we’re already working out a schedule that suits us both and gives me time to see her. I’d love to spend some time alone with her at some point to get to know her without Ruby around, but I’m not going to push it, and force Ruby into doing something she’s not prepared for. Right now, I’m happier than I’ve been for what feels like an eternity. Not only do I get to rebuild my relationship with Ruby, I’m developing a new one with a daughter I never knew I had, and I get to do cool shit all the time, like read books on dinosaurs, show Jessica how to count, draw, and survive in a jungle in the middle of nowhere, and go on excursions. Today, for example, Ruby has finally agreed to let me take them both to the zoo, and it seems like I’m way more excited then either of them. Jessica’s got an excuse because she doesn't know what to expect, and Ruby’s just pretending not to be excited because she doesn’t fully agree with the concept.

  “Are you ready to see lions, Jessica?” I ask her.

  “The cats?” she says, “like Poppy?”

  “A little bit bigger than Poppy, darling”, Ruby says. “Like in your jungle book. They are beautiful creatures.”

  “Will there be dinosaurs?” Jessica asks.

  “Sort of”, I say. “There’ll be crocodiles, alligators, maybe even komodo dragons.”

  “When was the last time you went to the zoo?” Ruby asks me.

  “What’s a komodo dragon?” Jessica asks.

  “They don’t have alligators, crocodiles or komodo dragons”, Ruby informs me.

  “Yes they do”, I say. “I saw it on the website. They have a West African dwarf crocodile.”

  “A small crocodile?” Ruby teases.

  “Do you know what else they have? Can you guess, Jessica?”

  Jessica thinks about it for a while. “Dogs”, she guesses.

  “Something a bit wilder”, I say.

  “Horses?”

  “Close.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Gorillas”, I say, unable to hide my excitement. Jessica laughs at me banging my fist on my chest and scratching my head.

  “Why?” she asks, which seems to be her joint favorite word at the moment, along with ‘mine.’

  “Because they do”, I say. “It’s where they live.”

  “It’s not where they should live”, Ruby says cynically.

  “They live in the zoo?” Jessica asks.

  “Exactly. With all of the other animals. The giraffes and lions and tiny, little crocodiles.”

  Ruby smiles at me. “We’re going to need to get two kids tickets and one adult”, she says, ruffling her fingers through my hair. “I never knew you liked animals so much.”

  “I love them”, I confess. “Especially tiny crocodiles.”

  “I bet it’s still pretty big”, Ruby says. “Big enough to impress a little girl and her daddy.”

  “I love it when you say that.”

  “What?”

  “When you call me Daddy”, I say.

  “I’m only copying what she does”, Ruby says. “It’s just easier that way. Saves for confusion.”

  The look in her eyes tells me she’s lying. “What?” she adds, knowing I’ve caught her.

  “Nothing”, I say. “Absolutely nothing.” Ruby pushes my shoulder and tries to hide the color going into her cheeks. “You’re so transparent”, I say with a smile.

  “Don’t push it, Jaxon”, Ruby warns. “You might not get an ice-cream with that kind of behavior.”

  “You might have to punish me later.”

  “Two treats in one day?” Ruby says. “You’re going to have to earn it.”

  “I’ll carry her on my shoulders all the way through the reptile section”, I offer.

  “It’s going to have to be more than that.”

  I give her a quick glance of disapproval before we pull off towards the park. “I’ll do bedtime duties tonight.”

  “Who says you’re staying over again?” Ruby says.

  “I thought you could both stay at mine”, I say, only half joking. “I’ve got the extra wet wipes, and the pull out bed.”

  “You’ve thought of everything.”

  “You know how well prepared I am”, I say. “I even packed extra snacks in case of an emergency.”

  We’re closer to the zebra entrance parking but the giraffes are more exciting to see first so I take a slight detour and head for that side. “Giraffes”, I explain to Ruby when she sees us drive straight past the sign for the parking zone, “It’s the wrong way round but it’s the better way. If she gets tired, and we have to come home early, at least we’ll have seen the best bits.”

  The parking lot isn’t as full as it might be on a weekend, which means the queue to get tickets is practically non existent. Ruby baulks at the price for the three of us, especially because Jessica’s not even five years old, but I’m happy to pay for us all.

  I take Ruby on my shoulders at first, but as soon as she sees her first animal, which happens to be a kangaroo, she’s wiggling at me to be released. I lift her down, let her go and assure Ruby that she’s absolutely fine in here on her own, and if I see her attempting to climb into one of the enclosures, I’ll be straight in there after her.

  I think Ruby struggles sometimes to let Jessica play on her own, so I’m trying as much as I can to encourage it. We watch her marvel at the kangaroos, spin around to check that we’re looking too, catch sight of the giraffes, ten times as tall as her, and run goggle eyed in their direction. This happens repeatedly, the more animals Jessica realizes there are. To be fair, I’m not that far behind her, sometimes even taking the lead, when I catch
a glimpse of something I can’t wait to see up close. After a while, and when she gets into it too, Ruby joins us both, so all three of us are running between enclosures and cages like we’re all seeing something none of us have ever seen before.

  Jessica is amazed by the giraffes, taken aback by the different types of birds, stunned by the snakes, and left completely speechless by the lions and tigers. In fact, we all are. I know lions are the kings of the jungle, but for me, the real beauty lies in the lithe athleticism of the tigers, the majesty of their colors and their understated ferocity.

  We stare silently, mouths agape, as we watch them laze about in their enclosure, fighting playfully from time to time, or sitting silently like we are and watching us back.

  “The first time I came here I was ten years old”, I tell Ruby. “It was my birthday, and I’d been on at my parents to bring me for practically the entire year. It was much smaller back then, badly run, going into debt I learned afterwards, and it was an awful day, it rained constantly, Mom and Dad were fighting. I fell out with my brother.”

  “Sounds amazing”, Ruby says. “It sounds like my family.”

  “It was”, I confess. “Not because of those things. It was horrible because of those things, the animals didn’t want to come out, my parents didn’t want to be here. When they weren’t looking I ran.” Ruby and I share a look. “You weren’t the only rebel growing up”, I add. “They had the whole park looking for me. It took them three hours. Dad took off his belt for that, even though it was meant to be my birthday, but it was worth it.”

  “Where were you?” Ruby asks, excited now.

  I shrug. “Right here”, I say. “Just looking at the tigers all that time. Before, the fence didn’t reach this far, and at the edges there were bushes. I just hid in one of those. Some of these might even be the same tigers as before. Another kid found me and told his mom, after that I was dragged out. I didn’t even have time to see the gorillas again.”

  “You had three hours while they were looking for you”, Ruby points out.

  “Yeah”, I agree. “I suppose I could have. I didn’t really think of that at the time, though, I was just having fun with the tigers.”

  We take a break to eat some of the food we’ve brought with us, and afterwards we all get ice creams, which we eat from a safe distance while we stare at the camels. Half of Jessica’s ends up all on her nose, around her mouth and all over her T-shirt, which is part of the fun of eating it. After lunch we walk through the butterfly enclosure, watch the gorilla’s getting fed, and take Jessica into the petting zoo.