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  “Has Zoe really not said a thing to you?” Kayla asked.

  I locked on that immediately. “So there is something I should know? Is she really not–?”

  “It’s not that,” Kayla said. “It’s something else, something important. I’m sure she’ll tell you, if she went away without talking to anyone about it, then she probably just needs time. I heard that your parents got married, and other stuff happened, too. Everything happened too fast, she just needs to process it.”

  “But she didn’t have to go away just for that. And she already told me she was okay with our parents. What else could have happened that she’s hesitating to tell me?”

  Kayla looked at me for a while, then frowned, running a hand through her hair before twirling a lock around her finger.

  “Well, there was one thing. She got a job offer as General Manager, for the same team you’re playing for. The owner talked to her himself, too. It’s been her dream job for forever, you know?”

  “But, shouldn’t that be good news?”

  Zoe had been looking forward to it for so long, I didn’t doubt she would jump on a chance like that.

  “You’d think it was, but apparently there was a condition. As a member of the staff, she wouldn’t be allowed to have any relationships with someone from the team. Do you get what I’m trying to say here?”

  Yes, I understood. It was almost the same condition I got. Join the team and stay away from Zoe. I wondered if her Dad had anything to do with this.

  Zoe.

  I wanted her so bad. The thought of losing her and the thought of losing everything else, I already knew what would feel worse, because my chest had been aching for over a week now. Starting over would be a pain, but giving up Zoe would be way worse.

  “Thank you for telling me,” I said, standing up. “I do have one favor to ask. If you can speak to her, please tell her that I don’t care. She’s the most important thing to me. I don’t care about anything else, not even football, please let her know that I want to talk to her.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Howard

  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could tell I was dreaming. Something about the blurry edges of the scenery just didn’t seem real, I was probably close to waking, too, since I could tell I was dreaming.

  In this dream, I found myself in the middle of a party. This wasn’t anything strange, because I’d been to lots of parties. It was someone’s house, though I had no idea who. The lighting was dim, but someone had set out some strobe lights. There were a lot of people around. I didn’t recognize any of them, though more importantly, I couldn’t even see their faces. Everything was blurry, but I could smell alcohol and sweat in the air, the sensory memory feeling so real.

  This was pretty much what my life used to be, before. Before I fell from grace and decided on changing myself. I would never go back to that. There were women everywhere, surrounding me, grabbing into me, too many. Back then, it was a situation I would have liked, but it could have been a nightmare right then.

  The hands on me felt uncomfortable, and I tried to get away from them, but it felt like trying to get away was just bringing more attention to me, because even more women showed up, trying to grab me. I was looking at each of the faces, and I didn’t recognize them.

  Zoe. She was the person I wanted to see the most, but she was nowhere to be seen.

  Hands, small and soft, caught my face. A woman was in front of me, enough to distract me from the others who still pushed up against me. I even felt the tough of hands sneaking into my clothes. The woman was leaning in, tugging me slightly down with her fingers on my cheeks. I was close to kissing her, but then I realized she wasn’t Zoe, either.

  My eyes slid open as the edges of the dream blurred even more, squinting in the morning light.

  Why would I have a dream like that? I’d left that life behind already, and I had no intention of picking it up again. What I hoped for now was a future with Zoe. I hadn’t heard word from her yet, but I wasn’t impatient anymore. Now that I knew what was troubling her so much that she had to run away, I just had to wait for her to show up.

  My decision had already been made a long time ago, it wasn’t even something I had to think about. Zoe wanted that GM job, and I wasn’t going to let her lose it because of me. Neither was I going to let her go. The hiding, I got tired of that a long time ago, too. I didn’t plan to keep hiding our relationship like it was some illicit affair.

  Even if it meant giving up my position on the team, I wanted Zoe, and I wanted her to be happy with me.

  Rolling off my bed, I checked my phone. No new message, text, notification, anything. Even though I’d resigned myself to wait, I was still disappointed. I dragged my body to the bathroom and got under the shower. I jumped as the cold water poured on me, though it slowly warmed up to a bearable temperature.

  After I was showered, I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my hips, another drying out my hair. I chose comfortable sweats and a t-shirt, pulling them on after I dried up. Then, I went to the living room, dropped into the couch, and grabbed the remote to turn the TV on. I flipped uninterestedly through the channels, looking for something to distract myself with, even if only for a moment.

  There was a knock on my door that made me look up. Hope threatened to rise, but I stomped it down. Still, I practically jumped from the couch and flew to the door, pulling it open without checking to see who it was. Of course, it wasn’t Zoe there.

  It was Jackson, my agent.

  Sighing, I slumped against the doorjamb. “What do you want?”

  “Um, there was an important matter I wanted to speak to you about,” he said slowly.

  I sighed and walked back inside, leaving the door so he could come in. I was disappointed, but I should have known Zoe wouldn’t make things easy for me. I sat back down on the couch, and Jackson came and took the other seat. He had his usual briefcase with him. He glanced around the room, then turned to me.

  “What, this is the first time I’m in your apartment, and you won’t even offer me anything?”

  “If you want me to play good host, you’re out of luck. If you’d like water or something, the kitchen is that way. Go get it yourself.”

  He sighed, shaking his head sadly. “Even though I know you’re like this, somehow I still work for you.”

  “What the hell are you even doing here, Jackson? You’ve never come to my house before.”

  “Well, it is something important, and I didn’t see the point in pulling you from your home just for that. Anyway, there’s something you seem to have forgotten, so I came to remind you.”

  “What? Something I’ve forgotten?”

  “Yes. The contract, remember? You didn’t sign it before, and until you do, you’re not officially part of the Southern Eagles. You can practice with them right now, but when the season starts, you won’t be able to play in any official games if this isn’t taken care of. So, I brought the contract with me.”

  He settled his briefcase on his lap and pulled out some documents, then set them on the table and returned his briefcase to the floor. From the inside of his coat pocket, he pulled out a pen, laid it on top of the documents, and pushed them towards me. I could only stare at them as if they’d jump at me and try to bite me.

  “The contract?” I muttered.

  “Yeah,” Jackson said, sarcastic. “You know, that official paper I told you a while ago that you needed to sign, and you said to wait a bit and see? Well? I heard practice has been going well with the team, so it should be fine now, right? Just sign it so I can take it to the team owner. We need a few signatures from their side as well, and then...”

  I’d stopped listening to what he was saying. For now, this wasn’t important. I needed to talk to Zoe before I made any kind of decision. Well, I had some time, still, so Jackson just had the worst timing.

  “You can go ahead and take this back with you for now,” I said, cutting him off. “I’ll look at them some other day.”<
br />
  He blinked at me in surprise, then frowned. “Howard, these are papers you need to sign. You’ve put it off long enough, already. Just sign them so I can go.”

  I lay back on my couch and stared at the TV, a clear dismissal.

  “You and those papers can just fuck off for now, Jackson. I won’t be signing anything just yet, and I want to be left alone, please.”

  He couldn’t argue with me. He worked for me, and he also knew me. When I decided on something, it wasn’t easy for me to change my mind, and since I didn’t say I wouldn’t sign at all, he would be appeased for a while.

  I’d completely forgotten about the contract, actually.

  It was kind of funny, because I’d chosen that contract in exchange for keeping Ben’s condition to stay away from Zoe, and now that she was the one completely avoiding me, I regretted it. Would things have been better if I wasn’t offered the contract?

  Zoe, I swear it doesn’t matter to me. Not nearly as much as you do.

  If only there was a way for me to convey those words to her. I could only hope that Kayla had managed to give her my message, anyway, but I wanted to tell it to her face. That I would give up anything even my position in the Southern Eagles if it meant she would be happy, and she would be with me.

  Jackson sighed, but went to put the documents away. “Since that’s your decision for now, I guess I can give you a few more days–”

  “Actually, can you give me a week?”

  I didn’t know how long it would take for Zoe to come back, but a week was a good estimate. If Kayla did manage to send her my message, she would hopefully be back soon.

  “Howard, it’s already been weeks–”

  “Then I need one more,” I cut in. “Has anyone come asking for the contract? Not yet, right? Then you can keep a hold of it for a while longer, can’t you? That’s the one thing you can do for me right now.”

  Jackson rubbed his creased forehead, looking frustrated. I wouldn’t quite say he and I were close. I could call him a friend, but I’d never actually hung out with him when he wasn’t giving me talk about work. I did feel sorry for giving him so much trouble.

  “Howard, I really don’t understand you,” he said. “This is something you wanted, right? You badgered me over it for days until I finally agreed! And now, when you finally get what you want, you don’t want it anymore? I’ve already told you, at your age it’ll be hard getting another good team. Even I was skeptical of these guys, but I think it’s a great opportunity. Give it a serious thought, Howard.”

  I had given it serious thought. Ever since I left Kayla’s apartment, I’d thought a lot, and I didn’t think Jackson was going to be impressed with what I’d come up with, but it was my decision.

  “It’s still important to me, but things have changed,” I said after a while. “I promise I’ll let you know what I plan later, just let me think things through. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Howard

  I’d fallen asleep on the couch again. I woke up with a groan, arching my body and stretching out a few kinks in my neck. I felt uncomfortable, but instead of moving, I just remained curled on the couch after my stretch.

  How many days had it been since I last stepped out of my apartment? I wasn’t sure, but my mind was groggy, and my body felt heavy. I somehow managed to get a cold, though it might be something a little more serious than that. I’d told Grady so the guys knew not to expect me for a while. Hopefully, it bought enough time for me to talk to Zoe about things before I completely refused the contract. I hated being sick, though, especially being sick by myself, which was how it usually happened.

  A harsh cough wracked my body, and I winced as I wrapped a hand around my throat.

  Damn, that hurts.

  I was usually a healthy person. Aside from my brush with drugs, booze, and women, I ate healthy meals and exercised plenty. Something as simple as a cold, I maybe caught it a few times when I was a kid, but getting sick wasn’t something that happened often for me. This just happened to come at the worst moment, when I was at my lowest.

  “Ugh.”

  I groaned as my stomach lurched, curling around my middle. It wasn’t just pain, though. I was hungry. When I woke up in the morning, I felt worse than yesterday. I’d had something light and hot last night in the hope that I would wake up better, and yet, I only felt worse. I had hot chocolate for breakfast before settling down on the couch, beneath the blanket I‘d dragged from the bedroom.

  Slipping off the couch, I dragged the blanket along with me, wrapping it around me as I walked to the kitchen. I hadn’t checked the time, but it should be around lunch, since the sunlight was reaching further into the room. Although, it could just be that I was hungry because I was trying to avoid heavy foods. I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I couldn’t not eat or I wouldn’t get better.

  “Not that it seems to be helping,” I grumbled to myself.

  It had been days, and I still felt this bad. I figured that meant it wasn’t actually a cold. I was starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just drag myself to the hospital already, but even if I could get myself out of the apartment, I couldn’t drive myself there. I could always call for a taxi, but with how weak I felt, I wondered if I wouldn’t collapse on the way first.

  “Alright. What’s for lunch?”

  I didn’t want to do anything elaborate, I didn’t feel like I had the energy for it, anyway. Just walking around, even though I was slow, I felt so dizzy I thought I’d faint right in the middle of my kitchen. I squinted my eyes against the brightness in my kitchen. At least I’d closed most of the curtains in the living room, but there was one medium window in the kitchen and no curtain.

  There wasn’t much left in my apartment. I hadn’t been paying attention to the kitchen, so I hadn’t gone grocery shopping in more than a week. I knew I could have some stuff delivered to my doorstep, but there was no need to wait for something.

  I found a pack of instant noodles in one of my cupboards, chicken flavor, and decided it would be good enough for lunch. While not that healthy, I figured once wouldn’t kill me. If I wasn’t okay by the time it was dinner, I’d have to figure something out.

  Maybe I really will go to a hospital. Tomorrow.

  Other than painkillers, I didn’t have any meds to take at home. I went to grab the Tylenol I’d left in my bedroom and swallowed two pills with water. I clamped a hand over my mouth, pressing my other hand to my stomach and swallowed convulsively, trying to keep it down. It took a minute before the urge to puke vanished, and my water had boiled by then.

  I added some extra water to boil once I had my noodles done. I could mix in some fresh lemon juice for my throat.

  With my meal prepared, I went back to the living room with it, where the lighting wasn’t so bright, and curled on the couch. I turned the TV on to some sports channel. There wasn’t a game on, but I watched the news as I slowly ate my noodles. The lemon water was warm by the time I got to drink it, and it did feel like my aching throat was soothed a bit.

  I didn’t feel like walking all the way back to the kitchen. Just that much action felt like it had sapped all my strength. So I left everything on the table and lied back down. I was a little hot from the meal, but I kept the blanket wrapped around me regardless.

  The TV stayed on, leaving the volume on low for background noise. I didn’t have the motivation to do anything. Closing my eyes, I fell into a fitful sleep.

  It could have been hours later when I woke up with the ache in my stomach, only worse. Groaning, I curled around my middle, pressing a hand against my stomach as if it would stop the pain. Then, I felt bile rising up my throat.

  Fuck.

  Scrambling off the seat, moving faster than I had in days, I rushed for my bathroom and made it just in time to vomit everything I’d eaten for lunch into the toilet bowl. I barely had time to breath, and I choked on my own vomit and started coughing. I wrapped a hand around my throat, n
ot that it did anything for the ache that had come back with a vengeance, making my whole body shudder every time I coughed, and my stomach wasn’t empty yet.

  “Howard!”

  I was surprised by the call of my name, and even more when I felt a hand patting my back, then fingers weaving through my hair. My mind was still a bit hazy, so I couldn’t tell who it was or how they got into my apartment. I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t. Still, those gentle hands stayed, and I had to admit, it made me feel a bit relieved. My body didn’t immediately calm down, but it felt like everything was going to be okay now.

  When I finally stopped, I felt exhausted, and had to brace with my arms against the toilet bowl so I wouldn’t fall forward and knock myself out on the porcelain.

  “Lean back.”

  I did as the voice wanted, wobbling a little as I straightened as best as I could, even with my mind swaying. I felt a cold, wet cloth touch my face, and it was enough to jolt me out of my stupor. I looked up, only to realize it was Zoe kneeling beside me, helping me clean up the vomit that got on my face and clothes. Even though it was fucking gross, and the smell was making me want to bend over the bowl again, her expression was serious as her eyes focused on what she was doing.

  “Zoe, how did you get here?” I murmured. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”

  She gave a pained smile, pulling the wet cloth away. “Of course, you’re not dreaming, Howard. It would be closer to a hallucination with the kind of fever you’re running.” She frowned, worry taking over her expression. “When did you get so sick? Don’t tell me you’ve been like this, alone, the whole time?”